Revising with Williams

Financial obligations must be met by students by the posted due dates in order for the student to be eligible for the next registration period (or graduation). Transcripts, diplomas or other statements of record will be withheld and students will be ineligible for further registration until obligations have been fulfilled.

Students must pay their tuition on time. Neglecting to pay tuition fees will result in an inability to register for the following semester, withholding of student records, or an exclusion from graduation.

(2003-2005 Student Catalog)

I chose this sentence because it was far too wordy. "Financial obligations" exactly means tuition fees, etc. This sentence is probably one of the most important in the entire catalog, and yet seem s to be one the lengthiest sentences. It is understood, but it takes far to long to read. As William states, we must be clear in our writing in order to write well, and there are so many better ways of wording this sentence. Students need to understand what the consequences will be for unpaid tuition fees in a very straightforward manner. This revision provides a much more clear-cut way of stating this very clear-cut idea.

Williams points out that often we attempt to sound more educated than we really need to. Obviously, the University wants to present a certain “pomp and circumstance” in their student catalog, but it should really keep in mind the audience. Yes, we are college students, and we are fairly bright. But mostly, we don’t pay attention to long words or sentences. We tend to skim through a lot of things. Something this important should not be skimmed, and this sentence’s previous form begs to be glanced at and then never seen again. My revision promotes a solid answer to what will happen to students with outstanding fines. That is the most important aspect of this sentence, not the ten-dollar word choice.